Limits and consequences

It’s common to feel exasperated trying to set limits and respond when limits are breached, especially around drug use. Here are some ideas that may help you.

Define a set of expectations and limits  

Every young person and family are different so be clear on what is acceptable and not acceptable for you. Consider the young person’s personal needs, and the needs of other people living in the household. 

Consult and negotiate

If a young person has to meet expectations it is ideal if they agree on them. So negotiate expectations. Consider the young person’s age and circumstances when you do this and make sure that expectations are not so restrictive that the young person doesn’t learn from them.

Agree upon a set of consequences

Wherever there is a limit there should be a consequence when limits are broken. A consequence is something that follows from a behaviour, it doesn’t need to be thought of as a punishment and should be empowering and productive so that the young person learns something from it. Consequences should be graduated which means starting off not too restricting, but increasing with restriction if limits continue to be broken. 

They also need to be realistic. The consequence of being kicked out of the house for using drugs for the first time is not productive or empowering and is probably unrealistic. It is great if consequences can also be negotiated with the young person.  Asking the young person to nominate consequences can be a productive strategy. 

Be clear and consistent in applying the limits and consequences

Once limits and consequences have been agreed upon you really need to follow through with the consequences that have been set. This is another reason why consequences that gradually step up for successive breaches are useful – they can make following through easier. 

Review and renegotiate

Be prepared to continually review and renegotiate new limits as the young person matures. Allowing more freedom is a great way to show you noticed how a young person has respected previous limits. Allowing space for young people to take on new challenges and grow is vital as young people mature. 

Mistakes

We all make mistakes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. You will probably make mistakes in the limits or consequences you set. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It is great if you can acknowledge mistakes, this can be important modelling for young people.  

Want to know more about boundaries and consequences? YoDAA’s video explains what you need to know.  We also recommend The “Strong Bonds” information for families, developed by The Jesuit Social Services.